Fear Itself

I met one of my best friends today for the first time in nearly 3 years.  His name is Don Johnson.  Don Johnson has been such a determining strand in the web my life has spun.  Don helped me overcome a lot of the self-created barriers I once had that kept me from taking another step on the path of self-progress.  There are still about a jillion more of those barriers ahead of me, but I think I'm going to start to have to learn to overcome them more on my own, since Don's getting married.  He gets married next week.  His fiance is Emily.  They love each other so much.  I always knew that, whoever Don married, he would love her so much.  

When I was there, Emily was writing thank-you cards.  She was writing them to all of the people that had given them gifts at the wedding reception they already had in Baltimore.  Their life is on a great big track right now, and even though I know I loved seeing and being with Don again, and he felt the same for me, I knew and could feel that I was not on that same track.  Its like he was looking at me down from the railcar, and we briefly exchanged smiles as I saw him go on.  I will miss Don.  I know I will still have Don with me, but I will miss him.

I'm standing on an interesting stage right now.  The characters are unfamiliar.  I have no trouble talking with them, and figuring out what their roles are, and even enjoying their company vaguely.  But I can't seem to see exactly where I fit into the plot.  I try a role here, or play a piece there, but it doesn't feel smooth.  I don't want to walk off the stage, and I know that its about to change acts soon so I'm just trying to be patient.  

But I haven't studied the act, and it makes me a little nervous.  They said "Don't worry, just play it as it comes," but I still feel anxious.  I don't want to feel anxious and I try to think about other things, but I can't stop the plunging.  I can't stop the people trying to spend some last moments with me when I'm about to spend my first moments with everybody.  I feel like I need something that I'm lacking.  Its not stage directions, its not a script, maybe its the fellow players.  Once I have them, it will be okay.  Because whatever happens to them, will happen to me.  Why is it that we feel so uncomfortable going down, until we are reassured that we are going down together?